News for the Regions of Cormanthor, Shadowdale, Freehaven and now The UnderDark!
~Spencer Beholder Reporting
How to survive a date with a Matron Mother!
To ensure that the people across the Cormanthor receive the latest and most pertinent information on the occurrences of their realm, your Editor in Chief traveled to the wild and dangerous Underdark! It is of upmost importance that none of you dear readers attempt such a daring feat as your humble Editor’s life was threatened many times. I made my way down into the deep under depths of the world, miles below where we sleep, trusty rapier in hand, able to make my way to the Noble house of Zau’Afin! There they welcomed me with frolicking, singing and harps, followed by a public flogging of my naked backside. These creatures are as vicious as lore would describe, forcing me to wrestle a dozen of their maidens in a pit of bubbling mud. The reward for victory would be an exclusive interview with their Matron Mother! I fought tirelessly and forged my way through the evil and scandalous fray of muddy Jabresses (All of them Daughters of the Matron) and found victory in a hot bath and deep tissue massage. They then tortured me for two hours in their tumultuous chamber of horror (perhaps for being angry at the results of the mud battle). The high priestess herself came in and lay hands upon my wounds, rubbing me down in scented oils, then dressed me in the latest fashion. It was only then I was made aware that this was all in preparation of my final test, a battle to the death with a Giant Black Widow Spider!!
It was a mixture of luck and skill that allowed me to best the vile creature, though I did not kill it (doing so would have been a death sentence), instead I was able to remember the songs that the creatures caretaker was singing and repeated it, thus putting the now helpless Arachnid to sleep! A victory trumpet was played for me. I was then escorted to a special chamber where the Matron’s personal Diva hand fed me Cavern Grapes and composed a sonnet in honor of my triumph. It was a glorious moment, except when the evil drow showed their true colors once again, I was locked in a chamber and beaten relentlessly, then left for days without food or water in the pitch black of the Rothe’ chambers.
Finally, I awoke and was able to see the outline of the Matron Mother herself, Talasprina Zau’Afin! She explained to me that it was the highest honor to breathe the same air as the Matron Mother of a noble house, and that by her presence I was now a temporary slave. Her barely clothed servants were ordered to quickly get me cleaned up, and I received another terrible bath and rubbed down with hot scented mint oils.
The Matron Mother Talasprina Escorted me to her personal bedchamber where I was a victim of what she described as “Drow Customary Rituals” upon infidels. We talked for much of the cycle (can’t tell day from night down there) about how it is true, that the Ilythirii love to prance and frolic in their wicked gardens. She talked to me about how they plot to take over the surface and planned to fortify the Ork caverns so infidels would stop entering and mining their precious Mithril. She talked about surface raids and how the wicked drow delight in stealing children away and eating them over a rotisserie in the underdark. Frequently she mocked the surface elves, explaining that drow visit Myth Drannor right under theirsurface cousins’ upturned noses. On she spake about a particular Drow female that attended the Ironhouse Reclaimation Gathering, a daughter of hers that was eager to speak about the Dwarven affair in tactical detail. Sources close to the Ironhouse clan have confirmed the attendance of this drow female spy. The cycle was terrifying but ultimately ended, with Matron Talasprina beating me with a snake headed whip, followed by a hot oiled foot massage. It was treacherous and difficult, but the experience was worth giving information to the beloved readers of The Daleland’s Beholder. We will go anywhere to get you the most accurate and unbiased news in the region.
Ork Attack on the Ironhouse Reclaimation Gathering!!
Reports have flooded this newspaper in regard to a connection between the assault by Orks and Garag Lyons, apparent mastermind of the ordeal. Sources acknowledge that wave after wave of Orks assailed the fortifications made by the Ironhouse Dwarves and that all members of the dwarven clan have cast blame upon Garag Lyons. It is no coincidence that Garag is himself an Ork and has had trouble with maintaining a viable alignment with the region. Garag refused comment about the issue when approached and quickly ran away from sources when asked. It was also reported that a drow female was in attendance of the event and that she was in fact in league with Garag under orders from the Underdark. Possibly to upsurp the establish clan who pose a threat to the chaotic intentions of the undercommon enemies.
Interview with ArchDruid Ka'avain'nae Tyrn'atheim
I sat across from the renowned archdruid and had some pressing questions. He was a polite man, in touch with himself and his surroundings, thoughtful, unprovoked. He talked openly about the stance the circle is taking on the Shadowdale occupation and the Shadovarians. He expressed the need for balance and suggested that both evil and good are necessary for that to occur. He acknowledged that it was beneficial that Shadowdale and its people are made to suffer by different factions, because in Myth Drannor everything is stable and proliferating. The people have a renewed sense of hope, the heroes stride through the streets proudly again, strutting the latest magical item in plain view. So how delightful and shiny Myth Drannor is compared to the dank Shadowdale is a fair and stark contrast, a balance that must be maintained. “Ka” as he likes to be known, expressed sympathy for the region due to the lack of responsibility the Circle has taken in regards to the Mauve Death. Citing that it was due to unsafe and transformative mating practices by the druids that led to a sexually transmitted disease.
“Animal love should remain animal love, and bipedal love stay bipedal. It’s just not safe to mix it up anymore.” Ka’avain’nae admitted.
Now the reason behind the Mauve Death is confirmed and people like Sable Anders can get on with their lives. “Eh. I thought it was from the rain, but now we know it’s from them sick Druids, getting all crazy with their lust. Probably get drunk and forget to change to the right shape before fornicatin’.”
Still, the region can expect the Shadovarians to claim the “Purple Rain” was the cause to the illnesses.
While a cure has long been found, it is a healthy practice to not involve yourself romantically with a druid.
Demonic times for the Zhentarim
Sources from Shadowdale report a mysterious occurrence that unveils the resurrection of Vesna, a known Necromancer. The Devil marked man known as Zaburra was witnessed reviving the corpse of Vesna after the necromancer had been executed earlier this season. Zhentarim officials are remaining quiet on this scandal which illuminates (once again) their incompetence. Hector would be proud to know that his mighty Banite underlings are blundering the task again with this duo on the loose. Typical response from the Zhents are expected in the form of new laws banning resurrection.
More news to come as this story develops.
Special thanks to those who endanger themselves to bring accurate information to The Daleland’s Beholder. Be sure to stop by your local Shared Accounts Broker and donate to your unbiased and informative news source! We’re trying to gain funds to build you a real pressbox, to better serve the community and its people.
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